Alone in a million

Dee — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:23:16 +0000

the yellow sunflowers stand gazing at the sun, their back towards her, the lillies and lotuses stand still in the sweltering sun … wilting a little, battling the sun a little. the hot afternoon sun is high up on the sky and she stares at him from the cool confines of her room. like a picture painted, everything stands still, everything is silent. the hum of the air conditioner and the occasional drone of the dragon fly are all that can be heard to the outside world. Inside though, her heart beats like a thousand conch shells being blown all at the same time, the stifled sobs within rankle her breath, and it comes out in long sighs everytime she breathes. bedecked in bridal finery … she sits still. her legs have caked blood on them, her clothes have been discarded in a hurry, some are torn some are crumpled. she sits still, because every movement hurts, the bruises on her breasts and stomach have turned black and the scratch marks show on her arms. her mehandi cannot hide her shame. She sits alone on the bed, scared to make even the tiniest noise, scared to breathe even.
One man humiliated her soul and her love, one man humiliated her body and pride.
Both of them are happy today.
One would have already forgotten about her, and moved on in life, her name erased from his memory. He would have found another « soul mate » another « with you I dont need to try to be happy, I know I will » another « with you, life is, what it should be, I will not shirk my responsibilities with you » another « I trust you, you know me » another « I will talk to my mother about you » her love for him would be a forgotten moment, like that two rupee coin you forgot after you gave it into the grubby hands of a beggar with disgust on your face; A lifetime worth of love, erased in less than a week.

The other man, she does not know his definition of happiness. She does not know what he wants, what he needs or even who he is. He has broken her sense of self, killed her pride and humiliated her body. She cannot face the mirror with the smell of his breath on her. He has achieved whatever it was he wanted to. He has her, his constant mute companion, a rag doll whom he can brutually rape whenever he wants, and she will lay under him, thinking of when it will all end as he does what he wants to.

When she finally moves, nursing the bruises and stepping out of the puddle of blood that has oozed out of her insides, she realises that all this while, she wondered about life and its meaning, and today, existence is a burden.

Har mulaaqat ka anjaam kyon hain
ab to har waqt yahi baat sataati hain hume
Zindagi ke har mod pe zillat kyon hain
subah ki halki dhoop bhi shaam kyon nazar aati hain hume

.

Dee — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:32:22 +0000

teri duniya se
hoke majboor chala

main bahut door, bahut door
bahut door chala.

Dee — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:19:33 +0000

deleted an unwanted space today. a reminder of yet another broken promise.

listening to Sheryl Crow. listening and thinking of, « if i cld go back in time ». and realise that i have now, something that i hated all my life in anyone i saw. i realise that i do now, something that i had promised myself i wont ever do. I am, today a hypocrite. i shall now lead a life of lies.

Sheryl Crow sings and I type it out … modifying the hes and the shes as i type.

I would have given you all of my heart
but there’s someone who’s torn it apart
and he’s taking almost all that I’ve got
but if you want, I’ll try to love again
baby I’ll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
’cause when it comes to being lucky she’s cursed
when it comes to lovin’ me he’s worst
but when it comes to being loved he’s first
that’s how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried
cause I’m sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I’ll try to love again
but baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

‘Cause when it comes to being lucky she’s cursed
when it comes to lovin’ me he’s worst
but when it comes to being loved he’s first
that’s how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

Dee — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 18:52:11 +0000

« some choices are right, and some, are easy »

guesses?

Dee — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:49:19 +0000

fruuussssssssttttttttttt@#$!$!@#$!@$!@#$!@#$!@#$@#
AN#$%@#$R%@#$GRY

and khatam.

Dee — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:01:28 +0000

im done.

khatam.

Dee — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 21:48:25 +0000

things go uphill.
im tired of trekking.
i wont get a break if i ask for it.
i need to take one.

keep watching.

Imperfect, je suis imparfait.

Dee — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 18:51:11 +0000

Je grille une cigarette
Je suis du bois d’allumette
Qui se consume et je présume
Que tout chemin se termine
Autant pour prince que vermine
La vie est ainsi faite

Or que tout est bête
Tout est vain et inutile
Lorsqu’épuisé, fatigué
Le corps n’est plus qu’un autre projectile
Propulsé depuis matin
Jusqu’au soir en bus, en train
Je sais qu’un coeur peut s’arrêter pour moins

Imparfait
Le monde est imparfait
Imparfait

Le vent est si tendre sur midi
Tu es septembre sur Paris
Je pense à toi, ça fait du bien
Toi dans ta ville et moi transsibérien
Qui t’aime et qui t’adore
Puis qui se hait d’aimer si fort
L’amour est comme je le redoutais

Imparfait
L’amour est imparfait
Imparfait

Dee — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:42:36 +0000

Every Morning, I have a promise
All my Memories , today will have their demise
I shall , them , on the altar of today, burn
I shall, from them, towards the road of future, turn

Every Night, Every Resolve, every resolution
is broken
Every decision, every determination
is torn
My burnt, tattered and abused memories rise
like a phenoix from the ashes

I fear the night, it is irrational and illogical
It makes me go back to the time
when days were warm and nights magical

Another night, I toss and turn
Another night, For myself I mourn
I fall asleep, feeling his breath on mine, all in my mind
I wake up feeling the curtains moving to the wind

Its morning and I resolve
This memory, I shall dissolve.

Dee — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 15:01:09 +0000

je suis fatigue d’événements. tous les egos sont immenses et fragiles, le mariage est un choc des ego partout. passé la nuit à pleurer, a passé la journée à pleurer, l’homme qui est censé me tenir contre tous les blessés, est le plus sarcastique de tous les hommes je n’ai jamais rencontré.sa fait mal, chaque mot, chaque acte de la lutte antimines, qui tente d’apaiser les problèmes est toujours prises mal. Je ne l’ai pas s’excuse beaucoup au cours des 25 dernières années, autant que je l’ai dans le dernier mois 2.5.

ils disent on ne peut qu’espérer. que fait-on, lorsque tout espoir est perdu?